Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

Self-described introvert Susan Cain speaks out to bring us Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (Random House; ISBN 0307352153, ASIN B004J4WNL2), a tome that resonates with and validates introverts. Describing the rise of the “Extrovert Ideal”, Cain also defines these two oft-misunderstood psychological terms, and asks how and from where such fundamental character traits arise, and what they are likely to do for—and to—their possessor. Cain briefly examines introversion across cultures, and finishes with some illuminating helps for intertype communication, along with ways introverts can best harness their unique gifts.As a deep introvert myself, I found the book quite fascinating, and many of its concepts resonating strongly with me. I’ve read some other works on personality types before, but this is the first major book of which I’m aware that sticks strictly to introversion and that is targeted at a popular audience. While I’m not sure that it is likely to appeal to extroverts as much as it is to those of us who appreciate the validation it gives, I found there to be some interesting ideas in terms of how the two types of people can better communicate, including, for example, specific suggestions for introverts at work and for the extrovert parents of introvert children. Nevertheless I’m conscious that some of the introvert cheerleading could be interpreted as extrovert bashing, and as such would be very interested to hear how extroverts perceive this work—there is value to it for such people, for as Cain argues, “if you’re not an introvert yourself, you are surely raising, managing, married to, or coupled with one.”Cain covers several of the numerous definitions for introversion before settling on a fairly standard working one for the rest of the book. But while part of this is a careful explanation that introversion and shyness are not the same, this fact sometimes seems forgotten throughout Quiet, which appears to set successful public speaking as the highest ideal to which introverts should aspire. I first recognized myself as an introvert when I heard a University of Utah psychologist suggest that such a person may actually be very competent in social situations, but will also be mentally or emotionally drained by their stimulation, and require solitude to recharge again. This is the essence of Cain’s working definition, and while it is definitely me, I am not shy and I really enjoy public speaking. With this perspective in mind however, I derive from Quiet that introversion is not a one-dimensional characteristic, or even one end of a personality spectrum: it is different things to different people, each of whom must take his own approach in adapting to the extroverted society in which Cain persuasively argues we live.Her term for this is the “Extrovert Ideal”, which she argues grew up in the early 1900s as the “man of action” became more prized than the “man of contemplation”, initially through the efforts of public-speaking icons like Dale Carnegie and others who held that “all talking is selling and all selling involves talking.” As Cain readily admits, this ideal is particularly prevalent in the US, and while she gives a high-level contrast with a generic Asian culture that she says still prefers quiet contemplation, this is one area of the book I felt could have used some expansion. For example, when citing studies that reveal one in two or three Americans is actually introverted, Cain somewhat reasonably concludes that “Given that the United States is among the most extroverted of nations, the number must be at least as high in other parts of the world.” Though Americans are the prime audience for Quiet, I would have liked to read more about the breakdown in other parts of the world, and would have liked more than just the chapter about Asian-Americans in Part Three, “Do All Cultures Have an Extrovert Ideal?”Indeed, as a current student of global negotiations, I read this book in part seeking insight on best practices among cultures for integrating introverts. Nevertheless, I found several interesting takeaways that could be applied in a negotiating context. One such recurring theme in the book is learning to harness just what the subtitle indicates: the power of introverts, which is obviously substantial. Introverts should be aware of their own strengths, and while most American introverts have already developed sophisticated mechanisms for faking extroversion (a necessity in a society that so values open office plans—which “have been found to reduce productivity and impair memory”—glad handing, and backslapping), others will want to be able at least to promote their particular abilities to those superiors who choose the members of a negotiating team. For example, Cain tells of a Harvard Business School student who, when playing the group-oriented “Survival Game”, a B-school rite of passage, allowed his extensive knowledge of survival to go to waste by not speaking up forcefully enough in a group of brash would-be leaders looking to make an impression; his group had a dismal finish.Cain also tells of her own experience as a young lawyer in a negotiation across the table from a group of hard-charging lawyers and executives: after the initial shock to her system of this overstimulating environment, she silently coached herself to play to her strengths: listening and asking intelligent questions to achieve understanding. Where bluster had previously failed to make headway, Cain’s quiet perseverance reminded me of the important concept of mindfulness in negotiations, which requires a high level of focus on pre-identified goals, and a persistent mental “presence” at the table, made possible through unusual levels of concentration and focus.Indeed, real understanding at a deep level can be key to successful negotiations of all types, from the purely distributive, or zero-sum kind, to more cooperative, expand-the-pie type mediations. In the first case, paying careful attention to the signals given by the other party during, and perhaps especially before, the negotiation itself, can give great insight on the most appropriate strategies to pursue. While it makes intuitive sense that an extrovert full of bluff and bluster would be best positioned to do well in this type of negotiation, the careful observations of an introvert could be invaluable, as could the patience that often comes along with this personality type. At the other end of the negotiation spectrum, each party’s ability to gain more from working together to arrive at a solution than they could get either going it alone or to the law relies in great measure on developing a solid understanding of the other party’s perspective, from its perception of the underlying issue to its goals for resolution.So while I regret that Quiet won’t likely do much to slow the relentless march of the Extrovert Ideal, there is much here for both introverts and extroverts, whether involved in formal negotiations or just those we all encounter in daily life. For introverts in particular, the validation Cain gives is valuable, and the advice, split infinitives notwithstanding, is worth remembering: “your biggest challenge may be to fully harness your strengths… You have the power of persistence, the tenacity to solve complex problems, and the clear-sightedness to avoid pitfalls that trip others up.”

I think it can be argued that this will be one of the most influential nonfiction books of this decade (it came out in 2012.) I say that not only as an introvert, but as one who has seen how confused and muddled introversion has been – not only among extroverts of the general public, but also among those who should have a firm grasp on the subject, namely psychologists and introverts, themselves.Introversion is frequently confused with a number of different conditions and temperaments with which it may or may not occur in large overlap. The most common mix up is with social anxiety, which can occur in conjunction with introversion but can also occur in extroverts. While social anxiety may be more common among introverts, it’s important to note that – like any anxiety – it’s possible to reduce it through various approaches (but one will still be introverted if one was to begin with.) I believe Cain’s book (and the wave of books and talks that have come since) has done a great deal to reduce the confusion about what characteristics are in fact highly correlated with introversion and which ones are just lumped together in the public consciousness because they seem to involve being less adroit in social situations (i.e. everything from shyness to Asperger’s.)There is a growing change in approaches to introversion, and I think it owes a lot to this book. The go-to advice for introverts of: “just behave more like an extrovert” is on the decline, and is increasingly being replaced with a clearer understanding of how introverts should manage their time and efforts to get the most out of life. [It should be noted that, if one is talking about pretending to be more extroverted for a short time frame and for a particular purpose, said advice is not so bad.] However, as advice for how to arrange and conduct one’s life day in and day out, it’s a recipe for disaster. And it’s not just a disaster for the introverts. If one is responsible for leading or managing a business, it’s a recipe for under-performing a firm’s potential. If you’re a teacher, it’s a recipe for turning smart kids off of school. And, if you’re a parent, it’s a recipe for handicapping your child. More and more, business leaders are beginning to realize that there are gains to be had from allowing employees to tailor their work schedule and mode of conducting business to their temperament. Educators are finding that a more balanced approach to lessons reaches more students with greater effectiveness.The book is organized into eleven chapters. It begins with an introduction that not only sets up the topic but also tells the story of Rosa Parks – one of modern American history’s most well-known introverts. [The story of this civil rights leader is no doubt told in part to try to break the stereotype of the introvert as a milquetoast person lacking lead in his or her pencil.] Cain employs stories about renowned introverts from Albert Einstein to Mohandas Gandhi to Steve Wozniak to Brian Little. The latter might not be so renowned outside of academia, but he’s included because few who attend the lectures of this award-winning professor would suspect he’s an introvert.Chapter one discusses this world made for extroverts that introverts find themselves living in. The second chapter rebuts the myth that leadership and extroversion are inextricably linked, discussing examples of introverts who excelled in leadership (of course, there are no shortage of examples of extremely charismatic and gregarious individuals who’ve once and truly run enterprises into the ground.) Chapter three discusses the breakthroughs that have often come about through solitude and a work environment that allowed individuals to focus on tasks for long periods at a time without interruption or distraction (instead of the standard work approach that involves a constant refrain of “collaboration” and which breaks up work days willy-nilly with meetings of dubious usefulness.)Chapters four and five focus on two lenses through which researchers have investigated introversion. Together, the chapters ask whether temperament is destiny, and, if not, to what degree and how one can move beyond it. The first lens is “sensitivity.” In this case, the word sensitivity is not being used as it’s most commonly used these days – meaning becoming highly emotional about trivial events. Rather it’s about how aware one is of subtle stimulation, and – given there are limits to processing stimuli – how prone one is to becoming overstimulated (since one takes in more.) The second lens, which one might relate to the first, is “high- versus low-reactivity.” That is, chapter five focuses on a study that observed how responsive children were to stimulation and what influence that had on the children’s temperament. [Note: it should be pointed out that these factors aren’t considered synonymous with introversion, and there are some who bemoan the fact that they have become so with the popularity of Cain’s book.]Chapter six explores a famous mixed couple (extrovert and introvert,) Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt. While Eleanor was highly introverted, she is often considered one of the most influential first ladies of the twentieth century. (Which isn’t to comment on the controversial claim that toward the end of Franklin Roosevelt’s presidency, she was running the show because he was ill and lacked the energy to comply with the intense energy demands of the Oval Office.) The contrasting nature of this power couple yields interesting insights.Chapter seven shows how an introvert’s more cautious approach to risk and reward often leads them to come out on top in turbulent times, while more reward chasing extroverts may get stuck in a cycle of buying high and panic selling low. The 2008 economic downturn was clearly fresh in mind when Cain was preparing this book, and there was lots of material about those who best weathered the storm and why. Warren Buffett, a noted introvert famous for his cautious but profit-making investment strategy, is used as an example.Chapter eight shows how the extrovert’s world is not universal while discussing Asian approaches to education. This chapter shows the inversion between Eastern and Western approaches. Famously, there is Laozi’s saying: “He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know.” This is in stark contrast to modern American institutions, which often overestimate the intelligence of those who yammer and underestimate the intelligence of those who hold their tongues.Chapter nine explores the question of when and how introverts should behave in a more extroverted way. This is the chapter that discusses Brian Little – the Professor who is a veritable scholarly rock star but who knows how to manage his introversion. His story provides a nice example of how introverts can get the job done without necessarily appearing awkward, overwhelmed, or run down — if they learn how to manage their time and interactions. Chapter ten discusses the differences in approach to communication and how it can be managed.The last chapter may be the most important. It’s about recognizing introversion in children and helping them get the most out of a world in which the decks remain stacked against them. The chapter is titled “On Cobblers and Generals,” which refers to a story that begins the chapter. In the story, a man who enters heaven asks St. Peter if he can speak with the world’s greatest General. St. Peter points out a man who the recently departed man happens to recognize as a man who mended shoes for a living. When the man points out that there must be some mistake, he’s told that the cobbler would have been the greatest military mind in history if only his talent had been recognized and nurtured.As is no doubt clear, I found this book to be tremendously well-written and beneficial. I would recommend it for anyone who is a leader, a parent, a teacher, or a person – be they introvert or extrovert – who would benefit from knowing how a misunderstood segment of society clicks.

Questions asked before reading this book1. How to accept my introverted nature and be myself instead of wearily disguising myself as an extrovert?2. How to make the most of the traits and competitive strengths of being an introvert?Solutions/Answers to the questions1. Find your sweet spot (a place where you are optimally stimulated). That means if you are an introvert, you probably prefer to lock the door and complete the task alone. Prevent under-stimulation and overstimulation.2. “The best way to act out of character is to stay as true to yourself as you possibly can——starting by creating as many “restorative niches” as possible in your daily life.” (Restorative niches are places that you go when you want to return to your true self or a place to recharge yourself) For me, my restorative niche is home, bedroom, bathroom, couch, and desk.3. Strike a Free Trait Agreement with yourself. (Free Trait Agreement: You stepped out of your comfort zone to make something happen, even though doing so was ‘out of character’ for you) Say you dislike partying scenes, but in order to find your other half, you have to go to a party once a week or once a month, even if you feel exhausted afterward. Don’t push yourself so hard socially, but at the same time, find your optimal challenging zone.I hope the following can inspire those who feel shameful to be an introvert:1. Introverts are more inclined to think before they speak and act.2. Introverts are creative and prefer to be alone and focus on one task at a time.3. Introverts prefer listening to talking and crave harmony with others rather than conflicts or competition.4. Introverts dislike boring and meaningless small talk but enjoy deep conversations.5. Introverts seem to be better at delaying gratification.6. Introverts can easily find their “flow”(an optimal state in which you feel totally engaged in an activity) by using their inherent ability to concentrate.My own experience as an introvert:Ever since middle school, I have been accustomed to mimicking extroverts’ behavior and adjusting myself to be like them. I always tried to grin like an extrovert but found it extremely mentally exhausted and I always had the feeling that I was not being true to myself but didn’t know what to do in a world dominated by extroverts. So many twisted characters and personalities were being falsely demonstrated to people over all these years. I remembered, despite the fact of being an introvert, I boldly went up to the podium and loudly and shamefully sang. That ‘self’ was truly misrepresented. Until I read this enlightening book, I figured out that it is OK to be myself and expose my weakness to others. I don’t have to feign a smile and pretend I am an extrovert. I don’t have to put so much mental burden onto myself. I don’t have to adapt to the extrovert’s realm by talking constantly. Rather, lock yourself up in a room and read voraciously, sit around the corner, talk to/hang out with friends you are close with/most comfortable with, and just whatever suits you best. Also, another interesting, psychological phenomenon that I or many introverts have is that I tend to hang out with one or two close friends at a time (basically enjoy deep conversation). However, if close friends decide to bring a few of their friends(strangers) to hang out, I would feel so anxious and nervous.Check out other books that the author recommends: autobiographies or biographies of five prominent figures. (Eleanor Roosevelt, Al Gore, Warren Buffett, Gandhi, and Rosa Parks are all introverts)

I loved this b9ok and it helped me avoid overstimulation after I read it. My only comments are 1. The author would have done well to study Chinese face reading and realize that the examples of introverts, like especially Gandi, show the Pinocchio like nose of an extrovert. Introverts have flat noses like many Asians. I personally think it’s genetic. 2. I think that introverts masking as extroverts is extremely draining and leads to burn out. This is similar to what happens in autism. I don’t think the author should encourage it.

I believe this book saved my life. I’m not prone to melodrama, or to such excessively long reviews, but this is true, and so important to me, I have to say it. I’ve been working for years in an extremely busy law office. It’s been growing harder and harder throughout the years for me to handle this job. Two months ago my boss fired my coworker, and I’ve since had to take on two people’s work plus train multiple new people (as the first two didn’t stay), all with constant, all day long interruptions, high-intensity demands, and a high level of multitasking. This has happened many times before, and while it was dreadful, I managed, but for some reason this time I just couldn’t handle it. My entire life has been on hold since this started, I get home from work too exhausted to do anything except veg out for a couple hours and go to bed, and even weekends aren’t much better. I was taking terrible care of myself and my life was falling apart. I did, in fact, feel like I was killing myself with this lifestyle, but I simply did not have the energy to fix any of it, or for that matter have any idea how to fix it.I blamed myself – there must be something `wrong with me’ because I can’t handle the job. I wanted to leave, but thought, if I can’t handle this job, how am I going to handle a new job? It’ll probably be more of the same. I thought I was just getting soft because I was getting older (I’m in my late 40s).I’ve always known I was introverted, but I didn’t realize just what all that entailed – I thought it mostly meant `shy’ or that I didn’t like social settings.This book taught me more about myself than I’ve ever known. It read like my biography. Almost every page had a new insight into why I think and feel the way I do. Throughout the book I saw my very own self described in new and empowering ways.I learned that the job situation I’m currently in – the non-stop deadline demands, interruptions, never being able to work quietly or alone no matter how difficult a project was, phones ringing incessantly, people in my face all day long, etc. – especially when it’s work that I actually don’t care anything about personally – those are the exact circumstances that trip every one of a strong introvert’s triggers. And I was subjecting myself to it 40 hours a week, for months.It’s no wonder I was so miserable and completely exhausted all the time. And as enlightening as it was to learn how many of the traits I’ve beat myself up for over the years are just a product of my introverted temperament (being highly sensitive, shutting down when subjected to stimulation overload, preferring to think a thing through before I speak – something I never get to do at work, as if it takes me more than 5 seconds to say something, I get interrupted and cut off), the most important thing I got from this book is that it’s okay to be myself, it’s okay to feel the way I do. There is not something `wrong with me’ that I have to `fix.’ I am not weak or a failure because I don’t feel or behave like my extremely extroverted boss (who thrives in high-energy crisis mode, and is bored unless he’s doing 10 things at once – and expects the rest of us to keep up).And far from it being an age-related `going soft,’ what’s probably in fact going on is that as I get older, it is becoming increasingly vital to me to be truer to myself.I also found the information on the history of the “rise of the Culture of Personality” completely fascinating, it really gave me a new insight as to just exactly how we ‘grew’ this tendency to value extroversion over introversion. It makes so much more sense now.This book gave me the courage I needed to start taking the steps to fix my work situation. Not only the courage, but the `permission’ and the understanding – because I now know there isn’t something wrong with me, but instead this is what I need to do to be my best self, and stop killing myself with stress. That I probably can find a place of value in the world by being myself, not trying to force myself to be something I’m not. I know I will meet resistance from my boss (I’d love for him to read this book, but unfortunately I know he won’t), and I know I won’t instantly fix everything in one day, and that I’ll probably always need to be able to stretch myself a bit to do things that are not ideal for me … but this book taught me that there are ways to make that work, too, if you understand and honor the need for recharging around such tasks, instead of trying to force yourself to do them 8 hours a day with no break. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, in either direction. Basically, I’m not out of the woods yet, but I now see the path out, and I have hope.I think every introvert should read this book, because it will help you understand why you are who you are, and why that’s a beautiful thing, not a character flaw. And I think everyone who knows an introvert should read this book, and quit trying to “fix us.”Which means pretty much the entire country (or world) should read this book. The wealth of information and insights in this book cannot be overstated – especially if you are an introverted type of person who has always felt there was something not quite right about you, or that you somehow needed to change to fit in or succeed. This book will give you back yourself, and in my case, my life. Thank you, Susan Cain, from the bottom of my heart (which is finally beating at a more normal speed because I’m not panicked about going to work for the first time in months).Edited 11-13-14: It worked! I’m now working half-days at the office and half-days at home, and in a few weeks will transition to working from home full time. I never imagined that could happen. It’s amazing what becomes possible when you finally realize you deserve what you already knew you needed.